Hi – long time since I last blogged.

Hello,,

Its been a long time since I last posted on here, I last posted in October 2017.

Here is a few updates;

  • I’ve lost over 2 stone on Weight Watchers since June 2017, which I am over the moon about, just 2 more stone to lose then I am at target weight. I have stuck at the diet and done a bit of exercise such as gym, exercise classes and walking to lose my weight so far.
  • I attend college once a week in Smiths Wood on a Wednesday morning for 2 hours, I am being put in for my Functional Skills English exam in January for the reading part of the subject, then all I’ve got to do is do the writing part and then I can work towards level 2 of the qualification.
  • I have got back into my art work and I am drawing/painting regularly at home now especially in the evenings, which passes some of my spare time. I have also made all my Christmas cards this year I have made about 40 cards, not just for family and friends, also I was asked to do them for all the clients at my care provider.
  • I am not sleeping too good at the moment I am only getting 2 hours per night, which is really frustrating me and impacting on my mood in the day – fingers crossed it will improve. my negative thinking isn’t good when I don’t sleep I am trying to think positive but it is difficult.
  • I met Jake wood (Max Branning) at Chelmsley Wood shopping centre Christmas light switch on a couple of weeks ago, with a friend named Nick the other week, I also seen my other friend Joannah the same day (at a different time to Nick) in the evening in Kings Heath which was great. I am seeing my close friend Luke soon aswell who comes to see me regularly even though he lives in Swindon and I live in Birmingham. I like keeping in touch with all my friends which includes seeing them regularly it makes me feel good and happy with myself, if I don’t see them I speak to them on Facebook, text message or phone.
  • I have all my Christmas decorations up for Christmas,  I am looking forward to Christmas this year. I am very organised this year I have all my gifts for everybody all wrapped up and under my Christmas tree and Christmas cards made and written.
  • I am still volunteering on a Friday at Solihull Community Housing in Chelmsley Wood doing admin work.
  • My week is quite filled up at the moment doing little bits and pieces, but I would like to do more fulfilling activities especially with my drawing as its really improving, as I’ve been told by others.
  • I am hopefully (depending on how cold it is) going to see the Coca-Cola truck once again on Saturday, I went in 2014 and 2016 in December at around this time of year,  and I’m going to Solihull The core theatre to see Jack and the Beanstalk on Sunday afternoon.
  • I am doing more things than I used to and gaining new skills on a regular basis which has helped me with my confidence levels. I went to London in November and I stayed overnight and stayed in a hotel nearby to the theatre which I saw Dreamgirls musical production which I have never stayed in a hotel or anywhere overnight without my family before. I will stay overnight again in the future in a hotel,  maybe in the next year.

Lucy xx 

 

 

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Mental Health awareness my story.

hii

Tuesday 10th October 2017, was mental health awareness day and I do feel strongly about mental health I think there should be more awareness of it, but I do feel that there is more awareness out there than there was years ago.

I have Autism spectrum disorder, Bipolar disorder and anxiety, I also have times where I struggle to sleep and I dissociate sometimes where I don’t feel real in myself, I have also self harmed for 9/10 years.

Whilst growing up I started to suffer with mental health I feel I started to feel ‘unreal’ at the start of my teenage years and that is around the time I got an diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. I felt different from others and suppose that started to make me dissociate which has never gone away and comes back strong when I feel anxious, stressed or low in mood. 

At school/college I was a quiet person but all the feelings I got built up until I got home and I would get really angry which I would flip out, throw objects, bang things – I was a nightmare I can see living with me must have been a nightmare.

When I was 18 I moved into the residential part of the college I was at, it was my decision. I disliked it from the first night, I wasn’t very good at socialising with large groups and I was very quiet I had hardly any confidence, and thats when I started to self harm, feel really depressed and I felt isolated. I was put on medication but that leaded to being tried on various medication and having to see a psychiatrist very regularly by 2010 when I was 20 I had outpatient appointment every week.  I had very strong thoughts to end everything, to self harm daily (which 99% of the time I did with glass and razor blades) I left residential but went back as a day student.

I started to starve myself after realising weight gain was a side effect on the medication I was on and that was what I did to myself for a good year but a whole month without having anything to eat just living off diet drinks. 

I began to eat after having blood tests and came back dangerously low in something and nearly being admitted into an eating disorder unit, but my moods were going from one extreme to another, self harming, skipping doses on my medication, being angry, argumentative/aggressive and not attending college.

February 2011 psychiatry, community nursing and other professionals thought it was best that I went into hospital to get sorted out and  get back on track and I would be in there for a few weeks. I went into hospital 2 days before my 21st birthday and I was in a unit with 4/5 others it was under the young persons unit but I was settled at first then I started refusing to go anywhere except home leave, refusing food, I always found a way to self harm via cutting/scratching/banging my head, being restrained for a month after I thought I’d be in hospital for a long time, I’d seen lots of patients be discharged and new ones be admitted and I was just living day by day and not seeing any progress with my discharge but then in August 2012 I got discharged after 18 months of being in hospital, it was a journey and I got better and I got put on medication, a diagnosis and I was discharged into supported living and its helped me a lot especially since living on my own with support workers. the only bad thing with hospital I gained a lot of weight which was around 4 stone! 

Supported living the first 2 years I lived with clients which did not help me mentally,  I was very unhappy and didn’t enjoy living with clients I started to self-harm more regularly after not doing it for a long time. But 5 years later I am still in supported living, in the same care company and in that time I’ve gained confidence, tried new things like volunteering/art groups/social groups and exercise groups I would never have done things like that 5 years ago, when I first came into supported living I stayed in most of the time in my bedroom not doing much just thinking most of the day, I felt I had no future but things changed when I got a private rented flat which was my name on the tenancy agreement and I didn’t have to share with no clients, it feels like a proper home where I’ve made it look homely. 

I am no longer under psychiatry but I am under community nursing, psychology and mind – I don’t feel like my psychiatrist has ever listened to me in the past 2 years especially with the strong unreal feelings and lack of sleep I get he always says  the same thing you’re doing so well, I’ve tried you on many medications over the years!!! 

My journey has had its up and downs I still get my bad days and my good days but the bad days aren’t as bad as they were, my anger is less these days and my self harming is hardly at all now think I’ve done it 4 times in 1 year.

I have a great relationship with my family and I see friends from college every few months and even a friend from hospital who doesn’t live in Birmingham but we have kept in touch Since the day he was discharged and I go to see him and he comes to see me I even see him more than my friends in Birmingham sometimes. 

To think I was under a section,  a person who was restrained, deeply distressed and with very deep negative thoughts and now my life is completely different 5 years on which makes me feel proud at how far I have come.

This year I started to lose weight by joining weight watchers and doc spot (gym) and its the longest I’ve stuck to a diet healthily which is also shown how far I’ve come and I’ve gained the confidence to speak to others and stay to group I’ve been there since June 2017.

I hope life will be just onwards and upwards from now on..

xxx Lucy xxx

 

 

Reading

Hiya,

I have done a lot of reading the past few weeks which I am really enjoying I am a reader but sometimes I can’t concentrate or I get distracted by certain other things for example social media. 

The authors I really enjoy reading that are under the genre fiction are; Sophie Kinsella, Jodi Picoult, Marian Keyes, Jojo Moyes, Lucy Diamond, Cecelia Ahern, Stephanie Meyer, J.K Rowling, Anne Rice, Fern Britton, Jill Mansell, Nicholas Sparks, Jenny Eclair, Santa Montefiore – to name some. 

I have read since I learnt to talk properly when I was young I used to read Jacqueline Wilsons books my favourite book by her was The story of Tracy Beaker and Harry Potter books by J.K Rowling. As I got into my late teenager years around 15/16 I started to read Twilight saga by Stephanie Meyer which I really enjoyed the books and kept reading them over and over again. As I got into my adult years I have read Hunger Games series of books and the Allegient series of books. 

I use Goodreads to track what I read this year I challenged myself to read 20 books and I’ve nearly done that so I am pretty pleased with myself. 🙂

I have even tried reading books that I don’t normally read such as The couple next door and The girl on the train which I enjoyed reading too. 

 

Lucy xx

 

 

 

 

Feeling ‘Unreal’

Hello,,

I get a feeling which is part of depersonalisation where you feel detached from yourself. I have felt it since I was 13/14, I was a teenager at school and I feel like thats the time where everything was going downhill for me including school and around that time I was diagnosed with Autism, which was a huge change in my life from living life in what I thought was ‘normal’ to having a label. I felt different and I feel thats how I started to feel   that I felt unreal. 14 years later, I still feel it every single day and I feel NOBODY understands it, not even professionals they ask how I am doing and not take any notice of feeling unreal feeling which frustrates me. I have been under the learning disability service when I was 19 to 20  before I was in hospital and afterwards since I was 22 and I am now 27, too I see psychology and community nursing and for a short time I had an occupational therapist for a couple of months, and they just have put it down to sensory but for some reason I doubt its that as I have other problems such as Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety not just Autism and I’ve never came across anybody with sensory with not feeling real just those with mental health via Facebook pages/groups. I sometimes self harm to feel real but I can’t do that forever I already have hundreds of scars from my shoulders down to my hands I have self harmed 10 years so far I use it as a way to cope and to prove I am real, and it doesn’t make me feel much better.  I feel one day I could do something awful because of not feeling real I feel like I’m somewhere else, in a dream, on another planet, dead but breathing which is a strange one,  and I’m fed up of feeling like this, I know there are people out there that feel the same but I feel I’m alone with this feeling, but I do feel everybody around me exists just not myself. 100%. of the time I feel my up-down/low mood is down to the unreal bursts I get they come in bursts from 5-minutes to hours long. Its not a very nice feeling to have!!!! I have had some people that say they’ve had feelings like that when they’ve suffered from depression/panic attacks but I get it every single day no matter if I’m feeling good or bad and its exhausting!!!! 

Lucy x 

How I am overcoming Self-Harm.

Hi

I have self-harmed for 9 years – nearly 10 which is quite a long time to do something which is bad for you. I was doing it to express myself with the difficult emotions I was feeling and I couldn’t express myself so I would cut and scratch myself, sometimes I didn’t care how much I self-harmed so I could still be doing it an hour or two later, before I was put in hospital that was. I was low in a dark place which was horrible to be in, I would self harm with anything I could get my hands on but  a lot of the time it was shards of glass or razor blades/sharpener blades. I didn’t care how much pain I was in the more pain the better I thought. It went into a daily routine I got obsessive about I wanted to do it most days but it did reduce whilst I was in hospital then when I came out during the first two years, it increased for a while until this year and now I’ve gone 6 months without a single scratch or cut which is a huge achievement for me the longest I’ve gone is maybe two months, I still struggle with urges some days are harder than others but to keep the urges less I keep myself busy by reading books/magazines, arts/crafts, adult colouring in books, writing, computer work, walking/exercise (gym or exercise classes), music, watching TV/film whilst doing an activity, using tangle toys/stress balls/fidget cube, texting my friends or socialising with my friends, using social media, travelling to places outside the West Midlands, concentrating on a specific thing for a long time or doing a task which takes a few days to do, cleaning, cooking – but sometimes its hard to keep busy so I am encouraged to keep going and to think positive! the more active and busier  I am the more positive I am and it reduces the risk of me self-harming. I have tattoos over some scars which I hope next year when my scars have faded a bit more I can show my arms off I do feel bad with my hundreds of scars, as I feel I would be stared at but I am becoming more confident with my arms and hands I can now wear quarter length t-shirts which I would not of ever thought of doing that 3 years ago. 🙂

Onwards and upwards!

 

Lucy Xx

 

Update 

Hiii

Things are going well. I’ve lost 10 and a half pounds at weight watchers in a month — nearly a stone!!!!!. I’ve joined a gym through a doctors referral which is docspot for 12 weeks, I’m also doing exercise groups , I’m going to one tomorrow evening : legs, bums and tums.  I’m getting healthy and enjoying it !!! I am still volunteering at community housing, I’m really enjoying it, i fact I want more voluntary.  I have been doing the big sleuth trail around Birmingham this summer which is all the bears that have been decorated, I’ve already got quite a lot (40). I’m quite happy at the moment with things. I’ve applied to do my gcse English and maths at a local college in September as I didn’t get those GCSEs whilst at school , I had a difficult time at school so I only got low grades. I met up with my friend today who I have known eleven years 😮 in September, I met her at college when I was just 16 and we did the same college course. me and fatemah are going to follow the secret (magic) book which is 28 day , positive affirmations, which will help change your life. I’m looking forward to starting this 28 day sort of adventure with fatemah .. 

Lucy 😃😀

Quick Update.

Hi

I haven’t posted on here for a while I haven’t known what to write about I’m just going to have a bit of a random blog today 😀 

I’ve been busy I’ve joined exercise groups recently such as Step, Tai Chi and Body Balance at my local sports centre and I’ve done quite a bit of walking most days which is helping with the weight loss I’ve lost 10 and a half pounds in 3 weeks with weight watchers.

I saw my friend Joannah for her 27th birthday the other week which was nice. 🙂

I’m still continuing my volunteering at Solihull community housing on a Thursday, I’m hoping to find another voluntary job for a different day, I’m getting bored doing the same things each day.

I have joined ‘Outsiders clubhouse’ I went to one of there lunches earlier today in Nottingham which I enjoyed and I had a good time. I was a member last year but I have re-joined.

I’ve been quite happy recently which is always a good point. I’ve also applied to do GCSE English and maths at my local college. 

Hope to write on here again soon (hopefully) 

Lucy xx 

 

 

I’ve Joined Weight Watchers !!

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Hiya,

I joined weight watchers meetings on Tuesday and I’ m really enjoying it so far, I have 35 smart points per day which most of the time I’m not having them all. I think this diet will help me to lose weight and get me to 11 stone which is my target weight. I haven’t been happy in so many years since I put all this weight on and I’ve just got low more often recently about being large, I hate the clothing size I wear and also what the scales say. I’ve been sticking to plan I am just hoping the scales say what I want them to say on Tuesday evening.

 

Lucy x

Overcoming self-harm . . .

Hello me again 🙂

I have not self harmed in 3 whole months and even 3 months ago, that was only a small amount of self-harm before that it was the end of 2016. I feel I am on the way to overcoming self-harm. It is a battle each day to ignore the urges and to be positive instead of thinking of all of the reasons to self-harm and all the negative thoughts, to be honest I wished I never began but back then it was my way of coping with difficult situations and that was back in 2008 when I was 18 when I hated residential at college I didn’t know what to do so I scratched or cut myself every evening for hours after college I just did it at any chance I had and it just continued for years. I have used it as a coping mechanism but I don’t think it helps me cope in the past couple of years or even ever just got me more scars it just got me feeling more low and depressed. I have even recently not gone out with long sleeved t-shirts and cardigans covering my arms like I have done the past 9 years. I don’t care who stares at me in the end I just want to feel happy and my scars are turning white after all this time 3-4 years ago they were red angry scars. I was admitted to hospital in 2011 due to mental health deterioration and my self-harm is what was concentrated on a lot and when I came out in the community the first year was hard  living with somebody I did not want to live with, and ended up in a&e twice having stitches.  Its been onwards and upwards recently and I have a supportive staff team in supported living who don’t want me to self harm, also I don’t have many awful days anymore so my self-harming ‘thoughts are not around as much.

Lucy x

A quick update 🙂🙂

Hi 

Things are going quite well at the moment !! 

I am still doing voluntary work doing admin which I really enjoy at the council community housing , I also have a second voluntary once a month doing more admin type work. 

I am doing quite well with my swimming lessons 

Still doing my oca creative writing foundations course 

I’ve been to the theatre this month to see the Addams family which I really enjoyed!!i met the cast on the Wednesday!

My mood is stable nearly all of the time and my sleeps gradually getting better – started a new medication which helps mood and sleep. I have not self harmed for months now my scars are fading 🙂

I’m back on track with my healthy eating I lost 5 pounds last week. 👍👍

I’m worrying a bit about personal independence payment I Have done the long form now waiting for an assessment I had dla for years. 

Seeing my friend luke soon I’m looking forward to that. 🙂

Enjoying television right now especially big brother ❤️

Looking forward to seeing despicable me 3 in the cinemas at the end of the month. 

I had a makeover photoshoot a few weeks ago with a Groupon voucher in Sutton Coldfield I really enjoyed it and I am so pleased with the photos ! 

I have enjoyed the weather over the weekend especially on Father’s Day☀️

I will write a blog soon 
Lucy x